Because I haven't update in such a long time, here is a video.

(And because Nick Cave and Blixa are my current obsessions and this video is too god damn silly.)

Spring break was sort of an awful thing.  When it started, I lost all my reserve to get all A's this semester.  I have a German test tomorrow that I have barely studied for, and though I tell myself I will sit in the study room and work, I suspect I will stumble and look for new hairstyles and stare at my Patrick Wolf wallpaper the entire time. 

I miss being motivated. 

I was going to find the public library today, but when I went outside I felt self-concious in a way I haven't in days, and it felt too damn cold to wander around looking for a place that might not exist. 

I want to listen to Patrick Wolf but Lastfm is being agitating and is playing a lot of Rob Zombie.  I don't want to listen to Dragula.  That's why I keep skipping it and listening to the first 30 seconds of "Augustine" before you make me stop, lastfm.

My hair has a bit of pink in it.  Carissa and I fixed up the spot where Clowie and I were unable to get it blue.  The pink looks really cool.  Carissa and I got attacked by a giant moth when we were dying it.  I screamed bloody murder and she smashed it.

I'm going to attempt to study now. 

(I really want to watch Velvet Goldmine)

(I wish I could sleep, I wish I could sleep.)

(I believe 3 a.m. is the time that most people die at.  Or at least they used to.)

And I have 7 more chapters of the novel to write before it's done.  It's funny, but I don't feel like writing an Eraser novel any more.  I don't feel like writing Eraser any more, really.  It's like both of those stories were parts of my life that are over now.  Hopefully I can convince myself otherwise in the near future. Maybe if I got some sleep I could think about it again, from a different perspective.

I had a strange weekend.  It was supposed to involve Brianna, but it didn't.  And it involved Chalsea and Meredith and I watching Italian Batman porn, and going to Pow-Wows.

I got locked out of my room at 5 in the morning, after Meredith dropped me off, and had to pound on the door to wake Katie up.  She thought she was dreaming my knocking. 

I need to do my German homework. 

On sunday, I saw Twilight with Meredith.  I have to say, putting the obligatory "abstinence" and "marriage is what makes womens happy" pretenses aside, it was still a bad movie.  The acting was really terrible.  The vampire baseball scene made me cringe in places I didn't know you could cringe.  And the big screen only amplified the creepy, stalker, dominant relationship Edward had over Bella.  As Meredith and I made snarky remarks, I could feel the theater full of girls collectively wish that they too had a creepy, vampiric boyfriend, with little personality, terrifying mood swings, and a tendency to watch her sleep in her room without actually talking to her.  Yeah, because that's the sort of relationship you want-an unhealthy one. And the actor who played Carlisle really bothered me.  I found him really, physically, repulsive.  I'm not entirely sure why, but every time he went on screen I wanted to stop looking at him.

But a lot of people like it, so what do I know right?  Maybe I'm just bitter.  

Anyway, I'm going to do my German before I feel obligated to turn the lights out for Katie. 

I am reading William S. Burroughs and listening to Joanna Newsome.  She's singing about sprouts and beans and he's writing about naked boys having threesomes in details that would make me blush if I wasn't a few pages away from being done with the book.  I think "The Wild Boys" is one of my favorite books.  Because there are some bits that are so pretty I can hardly believe that the guy who wrote Naked Lunch wrote it.  

"My flesh:::I could:::the film breaks:::jerky silent film:::look at the fading body:::I looked about nineteen. "But not that one word?":::It is getting dark::::boy:::remember so intense it hurts:::sadness in his eyes 1920 movie:::peanuts:::"Thank you":::the film breaks."

I couldn't tell you why I'm so impressed but I am.

I'm losing a lot of faith in the novel.  It's nearing the end of the third draft.  I know there's a fourth and fifth draft coming up, and it feels like a cold whisper along my spine.  I want to be done with it.  I feel like I've done too much and nothing I do will make it any better.  And maybe it won't, but giving up isn't an option.

Maybe my opinion will change once I've written the Eraser novel and given the other a break.  Maybe it's like wine and needs to age a bit. 

I really enjoyed the Watchmen movie.  And the Terminator 4 trailer before it.  But that montage to that Bob Dylan song was really brilliant.  Hamlet 2 was more disappointing.  It was funny at bits but I thought it would have been more funny.  Religulous was everything I expected it to be.  Love Bill Marr.  Paranoid Park was interesting when I watched it, but I can't imagine watching it again.  And I finally saw Suspiria all the way through.  And the music in that movie is so damn amazing, it makes me anxious when I hear it.  But it wasn't nearly as frightening as I had hoped.  The first ten minutes is almost misleading.  The music makes you anxious as a terrified girl leans against a window.  You know it's going to break but it makes you scream anyway, and then someone stabs her and she's atop a glass roof, all sketched in delicious technicolor, and a rope is around her neck.  She's pale and bleeding vivid blood before she falls through the roof, and hangs there a minute.  The glass explodes in a flash of color.  Beautiful horror movies-they shouldn't exist, because they're too amazing for words.

Sometimes I think I'm like a bird because I get distracted by my own reflection in any surface willing to duplicate me. 

Today Samm said to me "Don't be a push over friend."

And I told her I didn't know how not to be one.

Then she told me what exactly a "push over" friend was-the person who is ignored, the person who asks to hang out and is rejected, the person who calls first and talks first, until they're needed for something, until they can be used. 

And I thought "Oh, I am like that."

And Samm told me to stop doing that, but it's hard to explain what it's like when you're gone for three weeks and you know no one cares, and that you've had too much time to think lately and all that thinking's made your insides hurt. 

When I got even close to explaining that to her, she told me "that was your choice", and I felt worse than before.

And I know tonight will be another night where I think far too much and get too little sleep, and wake up in the morning crabby and sad and wishing I could fastforward to that part where I'm happy. 

That aside, here's some literature.  It's from a story I'm working on, called "Shout and Scream".  It was supposed to be a short story, a short story about super hero.villain sex, but at some point it promised to grow up to be a novella.  I think that has something to do with the protagonist/narrator Jack Corner.  He enjoys listening to himself talk too much to settle for anything "short".  I believe this'll be my project for 2009's NaNoWriMo. 

Anyway, this is just a snippet from what I've squirreled away. 

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now.

But at some point in between skipping to German and wanting to bash my own face in, I realized something-when I'm decent enough at German, I can finally watch those German films with Bela B. in it.  I then, even more startingly, realized I could finally read all that Die Arzte slash fanfiction I have stored on my computer. 

Honestly, I don't think I would have any enthusiasm for German at this point if it wasn't for that man.

Originally, I had wanted to post a video of Chris Corner performing "M'aidez" but apparently there are no videos of that.  There is a fanmade video but I don't want people thinking Chris Corner looks like Pogo o.o

So despite the fact that "M'aidez" is probably my new favorite song, I'm going to post the Sneaker Pimps "Sick", which is nothing like "M'aidez" but Chris Corner nearly shaves off his nipple in it.  :D

(I know it's rather stupid to concern yourself with the affairs of celebrities, but apparently Chris Corner and Sue Denim broke up.  I really hope Sue still does that backing vocals for IAMX.  They sound so pretty together.  I can't imagine listening to a new IAMX CD without her, really.)

Things I've learned this weekend:

Everyone is a liar. 

Any promise that begins with "I'll never..." is a lie. 

Tomato soup is a lot better when it costs $4. 

I've never been so unsure of myself as I am right now.

Hearing your name makes everything inside of me cringe.

I should have probably kissed you when I had a chance.

There is a haunted bathroom down stairs.

I don't want to believe in people any more.

I haven't been okay for a while.  I've noticed it, in flurries of indecisive mood swings.  I feel vulnerable to the trainwrecks of other people,  And I'm still convinced you can make yourself happy.  It;s all a matter of looking at things the right way.

I'm finding "Pedafly" by Skinny Puppy particularly remarkable at the moment.   And I have quite a bit of German to do, and I would really like to write something before the night is out. 

(I would be really happy if just one person didn't let me down.  Just one.)

I am really happy at the moment.  It's three in the morning but I can't sleep.  I just got done watching Repo! with Mac and David and Beth and for some reason I'm full of this excitement I haven't had for a while.  I danced around the bathroom while I was getting changed, singing "We Started this Op'ra shit" in muted tones because everyone else is asleep.

And though IAMX and Skinny Puppy have been my most frequently listened to musicians as of late, I remembered at some point today why I love Cinema Strange and Lucas Lanthier so much. 

Finally knowing the lyrics for Ursusarktos the Bachelor really did, I think.

"Fingers fashioned into stars, a clumsy constellation fanning
conflagrations in my chest, lungs and embers screaming...
Broken bits of man around the city walls are crumbling...
The visage of a soldier, stoic, growing colder, waiting...
Passion conquered fear, fate has brought us here, gazing
owl eyes in sunlit skies we hurry backwards, reeling...
The maiden pressed against the leaden glass gives me feeling..."

The song is so beautiful I feel like I'm dying every time I listen to it.  I tried to find a video of it from youtube, but I can't, so if you're so inclined find it on Lucas Lanthier's myspace profile.  I think, really, it's my favorite song. 

I want to write something pretty and spooky.  Maybe I'll do that before I sleep.

(I wish I felt this endless all the time).

I've spent a relatively long time not being entirely unhappy with being single. 

But the longer and longer I'm here, the more and more I feel like I'm doomed to be alone forever, and I miss that feeling of being in love and knowing that someone thinks I'm pretty or important or something.

And I really hate myself for becoming this awful emotional wreck, but lately I'm feeling like I'm going to combust.  And I constantly feel like I don't exist, but right now I know that I'm nothing more than a figment of my own imagination. 

And I know that being in a relationship will not solve anything.  I just don't want to be me any more.  I want to be someone else, I want to wake up and find myself a butterfly.  I want to have one day that does not fall in the painful category of mediocre. I want one good day.  I want to be happy for more than a few fleeting minutes at a time.  I want just one amazing thing to happen. 

The sad thing is, I always thought I would bypass the boring and stagnant life of my parents.  But the way things have been going, I don't see myself ever leaving. 

(And it's getting hard to find reasons to get out of bed in the morning).

I do apologize that most of my entries tend to be self-pitying drabbles, but I write things to get them out of my head, and I enjoy having my happy memories in my head.  And my real journal does not allow for entries like this. 

On a slightly happier note, I am going to apply for a job at the school newspaper tomorrow.  Interest meeting at 2.  Wish me luck. 

Apparently Milk has quite a few Oscar nominations.  I don't know if I stressed this before, but Milk was a really fantastic movie and I hope that Sean Penn wins something, because I honestly forgot he wasn't the real Harvey Milk when watching the movie.  I can't wait until it comes out on DVD.

Speaking of DVDs I finally, finally, after what feels like years of waiting, got my hands on Repo! the Genetic Opera.  I was a little afraid that I would not enjoy the movie nearly as much as I thought I would, because I had so many hopes for it.  You know, when you wait for something for too long you start drawing your own conclusions about what's going to happen.  But I wasn't disappointed.  It was everything I love in one movie. For fuck's sake, Ogre was in the movie playing a super feminine, narcissistic, face-stealer who sang songs with Bill fucking Moseley!  It's a dream come true! 

The commentary was hilarious too.  I didn't realize how little budget they had for the movie and how much they cut out (seriously, the thing about Nathan keeping Marni's body was so creepy, why couldn't they have included it?). 

(It was really hard not to go all fangirl there...gah).

I'm also reading Good Omens right now by Neil Gaiman and Terry Prachett.  It's...pretty much the most amusing book I've ever read.  Honestly.  Who knew the impending apocalypse could be so funny?  The thing that gets me, is that I started reading Good Omens nearly three years ago, when I was really on my Neil Gaiman kick and would read and finish one his novels in two days.  But I was not interested in Good Omens.  So it sat on my bookshelf for ages and I just finally started reading it. 

Right...so...I have class in a bit and I suppose I'll end this note talking a bit about the novel.  I've noticed the hardest part to get past for me is always the chapters before 13 and after 4.  I don't know what it is about that block, but it's always full of tribulations and frets.  Last night I wrote the conclusion to Chapter 12 (before writing the inbetween bit mind) and it really bothered me.  I mean, the novel has quite a bit to do with cannibalism, so it really should not bother me when I write about it, but for some reason the more vague I am about it the more it makes me nausceus.  Sometimes I consider taking all the eating people bits out.  But then I'd be back at the first draft.

Looking back at it, this whole post is really pointless.  But whatever.  I might put the story I wrote for mythology on fictionpress later tonight.  Depends how I'm feeling about it. 

Very dramatic title, ne?  

I got a message from Neal saying the Mighty Boosh is going to be on Adult Swim.  And all I can do is hope that the ratings are horrible and they fail in the states, if only because I'm selfish and don't want other people loving that show here. 

I mean, Americans don't even know what biros and slags and berks are. 

And does anyone even remember Gary Numan or the Human League?  Will anyone recognize Chris Corner on magazines and in crowds, or notice that Neon and Ultra are really Dee Plume and Sue Denim?  Will anyone even get "A Kraftwerk Orange?"

I don't think so. 

But like I said, I'm selfish.  I like to scream "I'm a cockney nutjob!" and get a round of confused looks.  If I do that if the show gets popular, I'll just look like a dick. (I never actually do this because it would be silly, but if I did I would feel this way.)

That out of the way, Repo! was fucking amazing.  I loved it.  Even though I have a lot of burning questions, mostly a result of scenes and bits being cut out.  Is Graverobber metaphorically in a high place needing Shiloh's help in "Needle in a Bug" or is he literally stuck in a tree, like a cat, and need Shiloh to get out a ladder and maybe the fire department?  How am I to know the eunich vallet's are eunichs when they don't sing their catchy diddy of "can't get it up"? And when did Pavi EVER rape anyone?  (admittedly, I barely noticed that he was getting sucked off by some genterns when he got his new face put on, until Brett pointed it out.  Good ol' Pavi.)

Yesterday, I finally finished the brunt of the rewriting that needed to be done for the novel.  It felt like bliss getting it done, and was mostly the result of a snow day and Samm being busy with Kris.  But the closer I get to finishing this draft, the more I have doubts about what I'm doing.  It's not like  I wrote it for anyone else, really.  And the more I look at it, squinting and shifting as it is, the more I realize it's the same story I started when I was 11 and kept writing until I was 15 and stopped caring.  It's like everything's different, but it has the same feeling, the same vague idea.  Does that make sense?  

What I'm afraid of though is letting everyone down.  I feel like everyone has these expectations, and if I show it to people (and by people, I mean people that matter) and they don't like it, where does that leave me?  Does that mean I'm a bad writer? 

I've spent nearly two years on this novel, and it seems silly to care what anyone thinks about it at this point.  It's not like I'm planning on publishing it. 

My teeth hurt.  My head hurts. 

And I think I'm gonna sleep.

I've been in love with IAMX's "The Alternative" for days, particularly "Song of Imaginary Beings".  The music video makes me want to cut out shadow puppets of monsters and paste them to my walls.  

since I've come home I've been nothing short of whimsical, dreaming of whales who eat the stars and the world and ultimately choke on egg shells, and playing with stuffed black sheep named Jack Corner.  

It's the day of my mother's birth and I made her brownies and bought her a DVD.

The novel still needs a name.  I feel like it's getting close though, just a breaths away from the proper combination of words. 

In favor of the new year, I'm posting the first not-chapter of the novel.  It's more of a preface maybe, or prelude. 

The thing that really gets me though is not seeing one of my favorite bands on the list, or seeing The Doors or Primus on the list, all bands that I quite enjoy.  It's just the fact that there can be lists in mass produced magazines about which bands are horrid and which aren't.  I mean, who's Skinny Puppy getting compared to?  Fall Out Boy?  My Chemical Romance?  Well shit.  With all those cookie cutter bands that produce song after song that sounds exactly like the one before, who has time for originality any more?

The worse thing though, really, is that people see lists like this and think "Well, hey, this band is on this list, they must really be awful.  I will be a dick to anyone I know who likes them, with my superior knowledge obtained by reading Blender".

And if you're going to denounce Skinny Puppy as one of the worst bands in existance, please, for the love of journalism, get the fucking facts right.  OGRE is the lead singer.  OGRE did the pseudo-vivisection.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I dislike magazines, really.  It makes me wonder what the fuck I'm doing with my life.  Journalism is dead.  That Murdoc guy bought out Times. 

I'm just going to say, when the tagline for you magazine is "the ultimate guide to music and more" you'd better at least get your information right.

I've noticed lately I've been a lot more protective of my music :\  it seems as though the things I listen to have been attacked a lot recently.  Yes Virginia, you do need to have talent to be in an industrial band.  And Trent Reznor does play actual instruments.  And Joanna Newsom does not have a silly voice.  And Gary Numan does not sound like a small Mexican boy. 

Maybe I'd find the article funny if it wasn't for the damned mis-information. 

Also the movie Milk, directed by Gus Van Sant (My Own Private Idaho) is fucking amazing.  Sean Penn is an amazing actor.  And I have a new appreciation for Harvey Milk (look him up).  

Right.

You know how when you're little you spend your whole life holding your breath, waiting for something amazing to happen?

I'm still waiting.

Samm and I are having a sex toy party Dec. 4.  I'm sort of excited. 

Dec. I'm editing the novel for the last time and finally making it viewable to the public.   I've been working on it for over a year, isn't that weird?  I've never worked this hard on anything before.

So, sometimes I write things in my notebooks when I'm taking notes in class that I find amusing for some reason. 

I think I'll start posting some of them here, because, why the hell not?  Maybe someone else can figure out the enigma which is my brain at 9 in the morning.

"Meow,

All Cats are grey

I don't think

Not him at all"

That was followed by a chorus of "meows".  I know that the "all cats are grey" is a The Cure song, but I cannot figure out the rest for the life of me.  : D

On a side note, Casey is piercing my nose.

A few things before I start homework (at 1 a.m.)

First off, I finally figured I will write a 5 page short story every day for NaNoWriMo.  I started today, and wrote perhaps the most articulate short story I have ever written.

Secondly, The Sound and The Fury is not as good as As I Lay Dying but has possibly my favorite literary character Quentin.  And of course, his ridiculous, haunted, neuroticness was what inspired the short story I wrote.  It was essentially what I WANTED to happen when I read the bit of the book in his perspective. 

Third, I changed my username on fictionpress.  It's "She's a Colour Scientist" now which I'm sure will get changed soon. 

Annnd, I need help coming up with titles for three things:

My novel from last year

My short story collection

And I need a new username.  I'm thinking maybe Chromaggia? XD Hahah. 

Any help please? D:

I love it when I'm a clever fish and incorporate things in my posts with titles.

So apparently there's a new Dorian Gray film coming out.  My initial reaction was a earsplitting scream of potential glee and potential horror.  I was reminded of that truly awful movie from the 50's or something.  And then I remember Stuart Townsend's Dorian Gray, who was not so much like the Dorian in the book, but was sexy and awful and made me love the character before I even got my hands on the book.

Apparently the kid who played Prince Caspian in that Narnia movie is playing Dorian.  Prince Caspian was my favorite literary character when I was in 7th-Dorian was my favorite 8th and beyond.  Is it any wonder I'm excited?

Nanowrimo is not going well.  I am far too busy for my own good, I'm feeling awfully stressed, my grandfather's in the hospital rawrrawrrawr, woe is me.  And tomorrow is my birthday.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm usually strangely shallow where birthdays are involved.  I like the attention.  It's the one day a year where I feel important for living.  And of course, this year I have felt nothing but moderate apprehension about my birthday. I expect I will go through the day with a very mediocre amount of "happy birthdays" and my party will host a meager amount of friends, significantly lacking in the people of significant importance department (not to say people of significance will not be there, but I can think of one or two people who will not be showing who I would rather die without).

God damn.  I am a negative nancy.  I need to take a cold shower and get my ovaries ripped out or something. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll go run away in the woods and write my novel.  I need to write 4 chapters tonight to be able to keep up with it.  Maybe I can do it.

I'm listening to Kate Nash's "Nicest Thing" right now.  Usually, although I think Kate Nash's lyrics are very honest, I find them to be a bit clumsy.  Like, not really refined, you know?  But I still like her music and this song in particular...and listening to the lyrics all I can think is "Wow, I feel like this about someone...what the hell?" :\

(Tomorrow I'll post an entry with a public apology for yet another halloween making me feel frazzled and my rather indignant behavior because of it. But until then...)

'I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.'

On a completely unrelated note I am totally obsessed with Robots in Disguise's new music video 'the tears' (as is shown in my icon).  When I first heard "We're in the Music Biz" that was immediately one of my favorite songs and the video makes it even more spectacular.  And it doesn't hurt that Noel Fielding makes a cameo, with some truly awesome scenes next to a chalkboard, and inspiratin from "Pierrot the Clown". 

.____. whoa, weird.  As I was typing that bit, the song I was listening to had this part near the end that sounded just like the beginning of "Turn It UP".  The whole breathing bit the girls do...I seriously thought that it was playing for a minute.  Hmm...I must research this! :D 

Anyway, I'm out.